midnight ramble – May 30, 2016; on words.

I haven’t written in a while now. Last I opened Microsoft Word on my laptop was two weeks ago, when I wrote several poems for a project Between Two Books, Florence Welch’s book club, was working on; last I picked up a pen, perhaps, was more than a week ago. It was to hastily scribble an impassioned, 6-paged response to my best friend’s letter. But since then, na-da.

Words can be rather difficult to conjure up sometimes – and no, I’m not referring to the arduousness of my writing process, which I’ve never made the effort to mask. It’s only when my mind’s gone completely stale and there’s hardly anything that excites me enough for me to sit before my desk for hours on end that I find having to communicate absolutely nothing so frustrating. Once, upon discovering my personal ventures into non-fiction/essay writing, a tutor, who used to major in creative writing at Stanford, commented that “non-fiction is easy, because you can write about anything.” Whilst his statement remains true, I myself find it impossible to write about anything that I hardly feel for.

The thing is, being at home oft leads me to swing between more extreme states of anxiety and utter comfort – both of which are, and have been, the most conducive for complete emotional shutdowns but not my writing. I suppose there’s something to be said about how being with my family encourages emotional detachment, but I shall not go into that now. No. This is about how home has been wholly uninspiring.

Submission deadlines loom in my planner, on my desk, and on laptop notifications, and it’s been driving me and my anxiety nuts. On a more optimistic note, however, I’ve learned to play several Debussy pieces, picked up embroidery, and painted a few portraits in the time I’ve spent not writing because I cannot bear the notion of being unproductive. If there’s any comfort to take in my plight, it’s that I’m turning myself into a cheap replica of a Renaissance woman. How lovely, but alas.

Delilah

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Bought my tickets to Florence’s BST show in London on July 2nd – my first ever FATM gig, since the last time she toured Singapore was over six years ago, when I was too little to go to shows – and to celebrate that I made this little doodle.

Feel free to purchase the design as a print or as merchandise on my Redbubble store and feed a poor, starving student on her trip to London & Cambridge (or contribute to her concert merchandise fund.)

Redbubble link: HERE

Summer plans have had me so thrilled but so anxious for the future to come, I only yearn for the less complicated past when dread had not tainted my every waking moment; when I – like every other regular child – could dash clumsily over the sharpest rocks without the expectation of catastrophe. I oft wonder when I’d become so fearful and how I’d gotten this way.

My anxiety keeps me alive but at what cost?

Trying to get my messy and, frankly, rather mad existence together – yet I’m so frequently reminded of the utter messiness which pervades characters I hold myself up to that I simply dawdle in my self-indulgence.

For the rest of summer I’m going to
– Read a book every two days (annotations optional)
– Paint something once a week
– Complete and submit my essays on time
– Learn to read Latin

I’m on Society6!

After sorting out my finances, I’ve finally started a paypal account through which I can get paid more efficiently by online retailers such as society6 and redbubble (I was paid in cheques previously but redbubble’s phasing out this payment method) and so it led me to open my own society6 shop which you can find here.

To be quite frank, I’ve found better reviews of society6’s products as opposed to redbubble’s and am hence considering migrating my entire shop to the former, but that has yet to happen. (Formatting as a seller’s much easier on RB than on society6, I must admit.) Prices on both shops are comparable but there remains greater range of designs and products on my RB shop.

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Anyway, I made this line drawing of Chvrches earlier today and it’s available on both my stores as prints. [x] [x] You can get the design on selected merchandise on my RB store as well.

“How much better is silence; the coffee cup, the table. How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. Let me sit here for ever with bare things, this coffee cup, this knife, this fork, things in themselves, myself being myself.”

– Virginia Woolf, The Waves

Flung out of space.

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With one of the main inspirations of the film being the artist Edward Hopper’s paintings, practically every other still of Carol begs to be painted. I started working on this acrylic on canvas painting little more than a month ago, when an opportunity to build my own canvas stretcher presented itself, and only completed it yesterday after returning home to my full range of art materials.

Two versions of this – the one with my favourite quote and another without -are available as prints, cards, and other merchandise on my Redbubble store. You can check them out [here] and [here] respectively. Do note that different products are available for different versions due to formatting restrictions.

Fin.

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I woke up this morning to blank walls, stripped bare of the mementoes that have accumulated since the start of the year. Gone was the postcard of John Everett Millais’s Ophelia a friend bought from the Tate Museum and the polaroid of Sylvie Guillem; gone was my watercolour painting of Elizabeth Bennett. Nothing was left but the faint stains of adhesives I had used to tack these trinkets above my bed. But alas, these would soon be gone too, when they are painted over with a fresh coat of white paint – then the walls would be pristine again.

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